Approaching 103

Elliott works out with weights at home.

As Elliott approaches his 103^rd birthday, he’s getting stronger but, at the same time, we’re grappling with some difficult issues.  I thought I was getting used to the simple life.  For the past couple of weeks, I’ve scaled back my expectations of what I could accomplish, eliminated the “extras” from my daily schedule, and focused on meeting our basic needs.  For me, that was 8 hours of sleep a night, 3 healthy meals a day, and a daily 30-minute walk.  For Elliott – well, I won’t subject you to a litany of what’s involved in his care.  Suffice it to say that I was starting to feel drained, psychologically and emotionally more than physically.  And the demands seem to grow, rather than shrink, as he recovers.  For example, now that his walking has improved, he wants to go out for a walk everyday.  He can’t walk alone – at least, according to me, he shouldn’t walk alone.  (According to Elliott, there’s no reason why he can’t go out alone for a walk, even if it involves crossing a major thoroughfare.) 

Walking Elliott is a time-consuming affair that requires lengthy preparation.  When the weather was fine recently, I walked him outside.  But last week, we had some unseasonably hot and humid days.  Even in the early morning hours, exercise was unsuitable for someone with respiratory problems.  On two occasions, I drove him to a nearby Target, where we walked the aisles.  This morning, I took him for a walk at Fair Oaks Mall.  While I’m glad he wants to walk to stay fit, I don’t necessarily want to devote my entire morning to this activity.  I’ve seen ads for dog walkers.  Do you think I can advertise for an Elliott walker?

Who cares if it's too hot to walk outside when you can walk at Target!

One evening last week, after he’d gone to bed, I sat down and wondered if I was losing contact with the outside world, except for Elliott’s therapists and doctors.  It took a while to recall when I’d last gotten together with a friend for lunch or a movie.  I couldn’t even remember when I last went into DC.  Museum visits, concerts, evening activities?  All are part of the distant past.  Nowadays, when people invite me to a get-together, I automatically decline. 

After careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that full-time Elliott-care is way too much for me to handle on my own, without risking my own physical and mental health.  I hereby withdraw my application for sainthood – it’s time to seek some help.  I’m currently considering a few options, which include hiring someone to come in a few days a week or asking Marshall to provide coverage a few days a week on a regular basis.  We also have a county senior center located a few minutes from the house.  They provide transportation, and he could stay there from 9 a.m. until 4 p.m.  Of course, it’s not just daytime hours that I’m concerned about.  I want to make sure that a responsible person is available to provide care for Elliott when I’m out of town, especially since I anticipate spending a lot of time in New York with Elisa, once the baby is born. 

Convincing Elliott that I need help is going to be a challenge.  We’ve already had a couple of conversations about the subject and he has a different perspective on the situation.  As far as he’s concerned, I’m available and he doesn’t need anyone else to help him, although he might grudgingly accept another family member taking my place.  He doesn’t want to be treated like an invalid.  He assured me that if he were home alone and he wanted to go somewhere, he’d simply walk (a mile or so to Trader Joe’s, for example) or take a taxi. Somehow, this doesn’t reassure me.    

Yesterday, for the first time in weeks, I went to the Workhouse Arts Center for open studio.  I even agonized about taking the time to go down there for the afternoon.  I had to overcome the sense of guilt about doing something purely for my own enjoyment.  Once I started working on my fused glass, however, I felt liberated, and fantasized about not going back home.  (By the way, there are some new photos of recycled glass in my glass blog.)  Below are two works in progress.

As Elliott and I work through this new phase in our lives, I’m trying to enjoy the time we spend together.  I’m also consciously reaching out to friends and family members so I won’t feel so isolated.  One thing I keep reminding myself:  I’ll be a better caregiver to Elliott when I’m taking better care of myself.