Coping Strategies

Thank you, Elisa, for sending the beautiful photos this morning.  They really brightened my day. 

Grapes are good!

This post is not easy to write.  In fact, I’ve been avoiding it for the past few weeks.  The second anniversary of Elliott’s passing is approaching.  Although I try not to dwell on it, thoughts keep popping into my consciousness.  Conversations replay on a continuous loop in my mind.  Images flood my head.  I suppose it’s not surprising.  Here I am in my house, where it all transpired two years ago.  When I wasn’t alone.  Not yet. 

I’ve tried to develop coping strategies, remembering one of Elliott’s favorite sayings: “One day at a time.”  Right now, it’s more like one hour at a time.  Staying busy helps, but I’ve actually been too busy.  I recently realized that 3 classes this semester at George Mason University was too much, so I cut back to a single class (the Religious Studies class on Hinduism) which meets two afternoons a week.  I also have my weekly trip down to the glass studio where I’ve been very productive. 

Seder plate

To combat a lingering sense of loneliness, I’ve scheduled lunches with friends, hosted a dinner party, worked on upcoming Hadassah events, and made trips down to Greenspring where it’s undeniable that my mother’s dementia is worsening.  One activity that probably could have been better timed was a book club meeting at my house last week.  The book everyone read was Portrait of Elliott, the book I wrote.  I was gratified at the interest and response, but it was hard to prepare the questions and serve as the discussion leader.  Even though I was revisiting the happier moments, the focus on Elliott reinforced my sense of loss.

When I’m home, I’ve been distracting myself by cleaning out my house.  I call this obsessive-compulsive activity “extreme downsizing.”  There’s no place for sentimentality.  If I don’t need an item now and I won’t use it in the future, out it goes. I’ve been pulling things off shelves and out of closets and drawers.  I’ve hauled furniture out to the street, where it inevitably gets picked up by the end of the day.  I’ve been recycling and shredding documents, magazines, and newspaper clippings that I’ve saved forever.  Even my recipe collection, stuffed into tattered folders, hasn’t been spared.  After all, how many recipes does a person need for lentil soup?  Once I get started, I don’t want to stop.  Over the past few days, I’ve stacked about 200 books on the floor and on surfaces in various rooms.  They’re just waiting for me to drop them off at a donation center this afternoon.

Exercise is another coping strategy that I should be using more often.  However, I’ve been making excuses.  I’ll decide to go for a walk, but then I check the weather conditions on my phone and decide that it’s too cold or too windy or about to rain.  One legitimate reason I’ve been avoiding the gym is terrible muscle pain in my neck, which has flared-up twice since I returned from India.  Even with muscle relaxants, ibuprofen and Tylenol, it’s kept me incapacitated for several days at a time.  I think I’ve figured out the cause, i.e. a flawed Pilates technique.  I’ll find out when I go back to Pilates class tomorrow.

Lack of exercise has led to other problems.  If I don’t walk or go to the gym, I stay in the house and eat too much.  Then, when my alarm goes off in the morning, I don’t jump out of bed like I used to, eager to start the day.  You may know that heavy, gloomy feeling when you wonder how you can get through the day.  I recognize that this is a sign of depression and I’m going to call and make an appointment with my therapist, whom I haven’t seen in quite a while. 

My other coping strategy is an activity that I call “extreme trip planning.”  Getting online and looking up possible travel opportunities is a great way to get your mind off your present worries.  However, I have to stop myself before making more reservations.  I have four trips (two in the U.S. and two overseas) planned for 2018.  In addition, I’ve already put advance deposits on 2019 trips to Vietnam, Peru, and Sicily, and I’m also talking to a friend about taking a cruise along the coast of Croatia next year.  But just yesterday, I was on the verge of making plans to squeeze in a trip to London this coming fall to see Hamilton and to go walking in the Cotswolds before I realized that I needed more time at home. 

I fear that the months of December, January and February will always be a difficult time of year for me.  The associations with the events that transpired during those winter months will never disappear.  So in the future, I plan to schedule interesting getaways during this period of time.  I have some ideas – travel in Southeast Asia, rent a house or apartment in the South of France, study Spanish in Mexico or Central America, go back to India to teach English – but please share any ideas you may have.  

In the meantime, talking to Elisa on WhatsApp has very beneficial.  And after composing this post, I’m already feeling somewhat better.  Expressing feelings and thoughts in words is always therapeutic for me.  Now I can manage to smile when I think of Elliott and his positive approach to life. 

Hoping to Make a Difference

During these troubled times for our country, it’s important to stand up for your beliefs and values.  And I know I have to do more than agonize and complain.  So, last week, I participated in a state-wide Jewish Advocacy Day for the first time.  I traveled down to Richmond as part of a group from northern Virginia and met with state legislators to encourage them to take a stand on issues that affect our quality of life in Virginia.  The four main topics on our agenda were (1) preventing gun violence; (2) combating bias; (3) Medicaid expansion (extending coverage to nearly 400,000 uninsured Virginians); and (4) continuing to support the Virginia-Israel Advisory Board, which brings jobs to the commonwealth.

Once we arrived at the Pocahontas Building (hey, she’s a famous Virginian), we broke into small groups for meetings with individual members of the Virginia State Senate and House of Delegates.  To be honest, as someone who was so shy in high school that I did everything in my power to avoid speaking in public, I was a little nervous ahead of time.  On the bus down to Richmond, I studied the briefing sheets that the Jewish Community Relations Council of Greater Washington had prepared.  They were full of bill numbers, names, and pertinent facts.  I wanted to make the strongest case possible, and to present the key points with both clarity and passion.  Fortunately, when the moment arrived to speak at each of the sessions, I was able to overcome my nerves. 

After the meetings, a large group from across the commonwealth gathered at historic St. Paul’s Church and listened to Governor Ralph Northam, Lt. Governor Justin Fairfax, and Attorney General Mark Herring speak eloquently of their plans to improve the lives of all Virginians.  I’m fortunate that my own state senator, Chap Petersen, and state delegate, Eileen Filler-Corn, shared our goals. 

Governor Ralph Northam

With Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax and fellow Hadassah members 

With members of Beth El Hebrew Congregation

With Delegate Eileen Filler-Corn (the tall woman in the center)

I returned from Richmond full of hope.  However, my optimism soon turned to disappointment when I read that the bill to restrict the sale of “bump stocks,” devices that increase the rate of fire of semi-automatic weapons, died in the State Senate committee.  It was disheartening to realize that seemingly common-sense measures will meet vigorous opposition, but it reminded me that I need to continue to speak out and take action. 

In the coming weeks, I’ll be working with my fellow Mantuans on the issue of gerrymandering.  We’re pushing for an amendment to the Virginia Constitution to make re-districting less partisan.  There is so much “cracking and packing” when lines are drawn that the makeup of the legislature does not necessarily reflect the political preferences of the voters statewide.  With so many issues that affect our daily lives decided on a state level, it’s critical that we address this problem.  I understand if you don’t share my political views, but at the very least, let’s not forget that we need to talk to each other.