Changing Times

After 31-plus years of marriage, I’m well aware that relationships change over time.  Ours is now going through an especially dynamic phase.  Circumstances related to Elliott’s health and age are forcing us to re-examine our roles and the ways in which we relate to each other.  I have to remind myself to try to be patient and understanding, even as I stifle the urge to scream.  

This isn’t easy for Elliott, either.  He has always been fiercely independent and has prided himself on being able to care for his family.  For many years, he was in charge of finances, taxes, legal affairs, insurance, major purchases, etc.  Now I’m trying to assume responsibility for so much that formerly fell into his domain, and he’s not yielding control gracefully.  I feel capable of making decisions, but again and again, he re-asserts his need to be in control. 

Case in point – the issue of a generator, which I researched and ordered online while he was still in rehab.  The main reason I felt we needed a generator was to ensure that he could continue to use his oxygen concentrator during a power failure.  Shortly after he returned home, he discovered what I’d done and cancelled the order so that he could make the decision about a generator himself.  He isn’t convinced that we actually need a generator at all, in fact.  For over two weeks, he’s been gathering information from friends, family and online sources.  I admit that his approach is much more thorough than mine.  However, when we lost power during yesterday’s thunderstorm and I was scrambling around in the semi-dark to hook him up to his battery-operated concentrator, I couldn’t suppress my feeling of frustration.  By the way, the storm occurred during Elliott’s naptime, so he slept through the entire incident.

If the generator purchase (which would be well under $1000) is causing this much trouble, you can imagine the stress caused by the need to purchase a new vehicle.  Elliott had a minor meltdown a couple of days ago when I told him I was going to look at cars while he was at the senior center.  To placate him, I picked him up early and took him with me to the Subaru dealership on the hottest day of the year.  I have no objection to his looking at cars, but it troubles me that he doesn’t trust me – or feel comfortable with me – doing some of the preliminary looking on my own.  I guess it’s his way of maintaining a sense of control over his own life.  I tried to explain my reasoning to him, how it would save time, etc. but it was useless. 

In addition, the same control issues are surfacing as we work on updating our legal documents – wills, powers of attorney, advanced medical directives, etc.  My first mistake was starting the process myself, by contacting a lawyer while Elliott was in rehab.  After a consultation and a signing, he started questioning everything we’d done.  He’s already spent hours obsessively poring over the pages at home, examining every word and interrogating me on the meaning of every phrase.  Since he’s legally blind, he has to use a powerful magnifying glass and hold his face a couple of inches from the paper.  His confusion makes him very overwrought and I have to plead with him to stop. 

In order to calm Elliott down, I’ve had to reassure him that I won’t make any decisions – about cars, about legal matters, about anything – without including him in every step of the process.  As a result, very little is getting accomplished, and my stress level is rising everyday.  It’s even interfering with my ability to get a good night’s sleep. 

I’m also having a hard time keeping the Elliott-clutter contained.  All the paraphernalia spreads insidiously, creeping into the living room where he now has legal papers strewn over the sofa and the coffee table.  If I put anything away, out of his sight or reach, he panics. 

Even with Marshall and Matt helping out by spending time with Elliott and taking him for lunch, the situation at home is disheartening.  Lately I’ve felt as if I’m falling into a deep bottomless pit.  I need something to grab onto, or some kind of parachute.  I know I’m in trouble when I make a daily trip to Trader Joe’s just so I can chat with the check out person.  But is it so wrong to want to have a conversation with someone under the age of 100?

Meanwhile, I’m trying not to ignore the rest of my life.  I’m trying out a Pilates class at the gym, although I’m not sure if it will become a regular component of my exercise program.  The soothing music that accompanies the instructor’s directions is deceptive:  Pilates is very hard work.  But my core muscles could use some serious strengthening so I’m not giving up yet.

And I did a little socializing at Annandale High School yesterday when I attended a farewell party for a former ESOL colleague who’s retiring after teaching for 42 years!  That end-of-school-year excitement was definitely in the air.  I’m looking forward to spending more time with my teacher friends once summer break begins. 

I’m taking a little time off from working on fused glass.  The summer session begins in a couple of weeks.  However, I took some photos of a few of my larger pieces and posted them to my glass gallery blog.  Here’s the link: http://robinthompsonglass.blogspot.com/

Another item on my to-do list:  find a therapist – for myself!

I don’t want to end this post on a negative note.  Here's a photo of Elliott eating stewed rhubarb, a favorite from his childhood.  Every spring, when rhubarb appears in the market, I make it for him.  

It's true that Elliott and I are facing challenges, but I’m exploring ways of coping with them.  Getting my thoughts down in words helps, too, so thanks for reading.  It means a lot to me.