Shopping with Elliott

 

January 24, 2012 – The Shopping Day from Hell

Elliott did a survey of his wardrobe recently and decided that he needed some new “leisure” attire to wear while we’re in Florida.  I’ll warn you right now, shopping trips with Elliott are torturous exercises.  When he goes shopping, he always has always a very specific idea about what he wants and he is almost impossible to satisfy.  This is his modus operandi:  First, grab hold of a shopping cart.  Wheel it up to the first store employee you see and give a brief description of what you’re looking for.  Don’t let the employee’s blank stare faze you.  Then, pushing your cart perilously close to anyone who has the misfortune to be in your way, walk off in the direction of the area that might have what you’re looking for.  Disappear from view so that your wife spends several minutes trying to locate you.  When she finds you, dismiss 80% of the items she helpfully suggests you might want to try.  Don’t consider anything that features the manufacturer’s logo.  Don’t consider anything that isn’t black or gray.  Make sure nothing navy blue accidentally sneaks in.  Once you have a few items in the cart, go off in search of a fitting room.  Make sure your fashion consultant (your wife) stays within shouting distance so you can model each item.  Complain about how the pants and sleeves are always too long.  Send your wife out at least twice to get different sizes of what you’re trying.  If something seems to fit, find another reason to reject it.  For example, the black jacket and the black pants are different shades of black.  Or maybe you’ve just changed your mind about what you really wanted.

One day last week, we made an unsuccessful attempt to find an appropriate leisure outfit at a sporting goods store called Dick’s.  This morning, we spent about an hour in Sports Authority and, once again, came out empty-handed.   So if you happen to see a nice pair of charcoal gray sweat pants (size large, not heavy-weight, not medium-weight, but light-weight, with pockets, no stripes down the side, no elastic at the bottom) and a matching jacket (identical shade of gray, identical weight, size medium, zipper all the way down the front, with pockets, preferably no hood), please let us know.  I’ll drive us to wherever it is, and Elliott will find a reason why it doesn’t fit his requirements. 

But the day got better after our Sports Authority outing.  We grazed our way through Costco (chocolate chip granola bars, provolone cheese, artichoke-garlic spread on crackers, whole wheat pasta spirals with marinara sauce, all washed down with apple juice) and made a major discovery in the cookie aisle – a super-sized box of Nabisco honey graham crackers.  That alone was worth the trip.  At that point, it was after 12:30, and despite the nibbles in Costco, I still had hunger pangs.  Fortunately, Wegman’s is right on the way home.  I loaded up a container with tofu salad and a variety of veggies while Elliott ordered a giant slice of pizza.  We were back home in time to enjoy a nice long walk through the neighborhood on this spring-like January afternoon.