The Waiting Game

December 23, 2015 – The Waiting Game

Okay, I’ve procrastinated long enough.  I’ve been working on this post for several days, waiting for something good to happen, something that would lighten the gloomy tone of what I’d written thus far.  So now I can start on happier note because today, December 23, is my mother’s 90^th birthday.  Matt and I went over to see her at Greenspring for a low-key celebration.  We brought along birthday cards, take-out Chinese food and a chocolate babka, which is decidedly more delicious than a traditional birthday cake.  Katie was very pleased with the special attention.   

With my 90-year old mother on her birthday

This is supposed to be a joyous time of year, but I’m not quite feeling the holiday cheer.  Today’s weather matches my state of mind.

Several factors contribute to my non-festive mood.  First of all, I’m still waiting for my foot to get better.  Walking with a limp is exhausting.  Obviously, neighborhood walks, Zumba classes, and sessions on the treadmill or elliptical are out of the question, and the lack of exercise just exacerbates my feeling of malaise.  The strange thing is, my foot feels fine – until I start walking.  Since an x-ray ruled out a stress fracture, it’s either a sprain or arthritis.  I suspect it may be arthritis, which would be much, much worse than a sprain.  A sprain heals; arthritis is forever.  Arthritis is for Old People, and I do not want to be an Old Person.  Depressing thought.  

What else?  Well, after agonizing for several days about my upcoming trip to San Francisco, I finally called United Airlines and cancelled my reservation.  It wouldn't have been much fun if I couldn't walk around.  I’d been anticipating those five days of total escape, and now I’m faced with a continuation of the daily caregiving grind.  Big disappointment. 

But the major reason for sadness concerns Elliott.  His voice has been getting raspier and raspier over the past couple of months.  About a week ago, he went to see the ENT doctor. This is the same doctor who treated him with an injection to his vocal chords when his voice was raspy about ten years ago.  However, this time, the examination revealed a mass on his larynx.  Of course, Elliott was pretty shaken by the news.  The doctor stressed that we need to have tests done in order to make a full diagnosis.  So far, he’s had a CT scan of his throat, which showed a small tumor.  The next test, an ultrasound-guided mapping of the lymph nodes and fine needle aspiration of the tumor, is scheduled for December 29.  Our appointment with the ENT doctor to discuss the results is scheduled for January 14.  Another waiting game. 

On top of the tumor worry, Elliott has been experiencing more back pain, even with increased medication.  As a result, he’s been spending a good part of each day in bed.  He didn’t even have the energy to go out for lunch on our anniversary (32 years) last Friday.  I’m hoping things will improve for him.  We’re waiting, patiently, because we have no other option.  While this is a difficult time, we’re both trying to banish negative thoughts, which is easier for me because I can fill my days with a variety of activities. 

Since I won’t be going out of town, I’m finding other ways to make this winter break special.  Despite my difficulty walking, I met up with two friends in DC last Sunday for a visit to the National Gallery of Art.  After a leisurely lunch in the museum’s garden café, we enjoyed the new exhibit of Hellenistic bronzes.  I’m also setting aside time for my own personal film festival.  So far, I’ve seen three excellent new films, Suffragette, Spotlight and Brooklyn.  Reading is another way of relaxing, and I brought home a big stack of library books.  I recently finished the latest work of fiction by one of my favorite writers, Geraldine Brooks.  The Secret Chord is a beautifully written historical novel about the biblical David.  And of course, there’s cooking and baking to occupy my time.  At least I can enjoy a pumpkin muffin and a good book while I’m waiting.