Seasonal Reflections

It’s that time of year again:  The new school year has begun and the Jewish High Holy Days are approaching.  The autumnal equinox arrives in a few days, falling between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this year.  Some hearty chrysanthemums, holdovers from last year, recently popped up outside.  Soon the leaves on the trees will start to turn crisp and golden.  Change is in the air, and I find myself feeling contemplative. While summer was devoted to active pastimes, the arrival of fall is the signal to pause for reflection and to pay attention to thoughts that have been slowly taking shape in my mind. 

A year and a half has now passed since I lost Elliott.  During those months when I was adjusting to living on my own, I tried to fill my life with friends and family, creative pursuits, and purposeful activities.  Perhaps, at times, I tried to do too much.  I didn’t leave myself many unstructured hours or days.  Was I afraid that sorrow would overtake me?  In any case, my month in Argentina wrenched me from the routines I’d developed and forced me to re-examine some of the choices I’d made. 

While I was living in Buenos Aires, my daily life was suddenly simplified.  My calendar was no longer filled with engagements, yet my days were filled: helping Sylvie pick out clothes to wear in the morning, going to the bakery with Sylvie to get a snack, stopping by the playground, making dinner with Elisa.  Spending time with Elisa, Christian and Sylvie was my main concern.  All the other cares of daily life melted away.  By the time I was ready to return home, I realized how much calmer I felt. 

Once I was back in Virginia, I wanted to retain that feeling of calm.  As my calendar started to fill once again with lunch dates, medical appointments, and volunteer commitments, I made the conscious decision to reserve some quiet time in my life.  I had previously viewed an empty space of a few hours as a problem, a void that demanded filling.  Now I was no longer afraid to stop and breathe, to listen, and to let my mind wander.  If I allowed myself to fall asleep with a book in my hand as the late afternoon sun streamed through the window, I’d wake up feeling refreshed, rather than guilty that I’d been wasting time.  And if the solitude occasionally brought on feelings of loneliness – well, that was okay, too.  I’d be able to adjust, as my weeks in Buenos Aires had taught me. 

With this new approach, there was still time for auditing a class at George Mason University and I was excited when I looked at the fall semester offerings. I resisted the urge to sign up for two or three.  Instead, I gave myself a chance to try out a couple of possibilities during the first week of school and then selected just one.  I’m pleased that the lectures and reading for my art history class (Symbols and Stories in Western Art) take up just the right amount of time.  I’ll tell you more about that class in a future post. 

Also, after much internal debate, I decided to sign up for another session at the glass studio.  I didn’t want to over-schedule myself, but I love working there and I felt it would be important to do some kind of art.  The problem was, I already had a sizeable inventory of finished and semi-finished fused glass pieces.  What would I do with more of the stuff?  Selling it wasn’t a realistic option, since I didn’t want to devote time and energy to marketing it.  While I was trying to make a decision, I thought of Elliott, and how he turned to painting fulltime after his retirement from the federal government.  Although he eventually showed his work in galleries, commercial success was never his goal.  If no one had ever exhibited or bought one of his paintings, he would have been satisfied.  At the same time, he didn’t permit himself to become overly attached to his work.  It was the process of creation, not the finished product, that mattered to him.  That realization helped me come to the conclusion that only way I could justify making more fused glass was to give away the pieces that I already have.  Once I made that decision, I started thinking about donating pieces for fundraisers as well as using them for gifts, and I felt much better.

With more time at home, I’ve turned my attention to cooking again and I’m excited about trying new recipes.  I’m focusing on vegan dishes, such as the Anatolian Red Lentil Stew with Eggplant, Chickpeas and Wheat Berries (courtesy of Madhur Jaffrey’s World Vegetarian cookbook) in the photo above – lemon juice and fresh mint give the stew a distinctive flavor.  One of my greatest pleasures remains sharing meals at home with friends.  However, I have to remind myself to temper my enthusiasm about issuing invitations, or I’ll end up spending too many hours in the kitchen. 

This hearty vegan stew is perfect for a fall dinner.

Showing self-control when it comes to travel is one of the hardest challenges I continue to face.  Not long after I returned from Buenos Aires, I started considering doing some more local travel, for example, going up to New York for some museums and shows, driving to the beach with a friend for a few days, or even spending some time hiking in the Shenandoah Valley.  And I’d love to visit the many friends I have spread across the country. 

Overseas travel is also on my mind a lot.  I’ve already made reservations for trips to India later in 2017 and Israel in 2018.  Whenever I see information about an interesting looking tour, I’m tempted to sign up.  The list of places I want to visit keeps growing, and I have to remind myself that I can’t possibly go everywhere within the next couple of years.  I hope I will remain healthy enough to travel for another decade or so.  And while I’m thinking about travel, I must admit that it would be nice to have some travel companions.  To all my friends who are still working (and there are plenty of you out there), I say:  Please retire soon! 

There are so many places to go and people to see, but I need to balance my travels with time at home.  I’ve learned to take a deep breath when I find myself on the verge of running off to another exotic destination and force myself to look at the bigger picture.  That didn’t stop me, however, from plunking down the money to go back to Buenos Aires next month.  Even though the airfare is outrageously high, I’d rather use my money to visit my family than for other indulgences.  It will be a shorter visit, but I’ll get to see Miss Sylvie again, so I don’t regret the decision.